Friday, May 21, 2010

21 changes to IPL announced :)

 The following 21 changes  will be made to renew our pride in continuing with the worlrd's best "cricentertainment"   league - the IPL

Anjan Kar

1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India. 

2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi. 

3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharashtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and Mohd Kaif. 

4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively.

5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc. 

6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

7. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for women.

8. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets. 

9. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized.

10. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission. 

11. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cellphone will immediately be withdrawn.

12. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him. 

13. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants. 

14. These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks. 

15. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7.30 a.m. and subsequently from 3.30 p.m. to 7p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability. 

16. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired. 

17. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed " Krishi Darshan." 

18. There will be no matches on weekends or on national / regional holidays. 

19. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green. 

20. Bowlers will have to bowl sarpatti and ghasssarkundi balls (Hindi terms for underhand bowling) to the reserved players. 

21. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it . (Don't laugh. You never know).

Thursday, May 20, 2010

in bed :P

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either ….but at least that she knows I'm smarter than her.

Monday, May 3, 2010

ESSAY FROM A CHILD- I want to be a TV



A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about
what they would like God to do for them...
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her
very emotional. Her husband, who had just walked in saw her crying and
asked her:

- What happened?

She answered

- Read this. It's one of my students essays

Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a
television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have
my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously
when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be
heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same
special care that the TV receives when it is not working. Have the company
of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of
ignoring me... And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me... I want
to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just
to spend some time with me. And last but not least make it
that I can make them all happy and entertain them...

Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV

At that moment the husband said:

- 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!

She looked up at him and said:

- 'That essay is our son's!!!